When I came to the realization that my blow ups, charged reactions and meltdowns were because I was triggered, I was like, WHAT?
TRIGGER – verb; (especially of something read, seen, or heard) distress (someone), typically as a result of arousing feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience. (https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/trigger)
I stared at my counselor, willing him to expound.
And explain he did.
Giving my reactions a name was helpful but it wasn’t groundbreaking. It didn’t give me the deeper understanding of the why’s and how’s that my mind needs when something new is introduced to it.
It did however make me develop an awareness to the what’s and when’s, which paved the way to me gaining the skill to analyze a trigger as I am experiencing it. This skill has then given me the ability to communicate to my partner if an unconscious reaction is due to me being triggered or if he was truly being a jerk; or to know if my kids were being truly obnoxious or if I was, because somehow their childlikeness reminded me of a feeling of helplessness.
This chain reaction that is continuously happening inside me didn’t start right from the get go. But through months of continuous introspection, Tony Robbins seminars, self-help audibles, positive movement masterclasses and the openness to be better through any means possible, it finally gained the momentum it needed to keep me on track with the results I have been wanting for myself.
The voice of treason sounds less menacing and I find myself able to sit in the discomfort of its whining and becoming curious with it.
I see myself being able to do things that I couldn’t do before because I would get so lost in the emotional intensity that the trigger was invoking in me.
I feel more compassion for myself and now truly understand what they mean when they say that Life is about the journey.
It is as if the devil that sat on my right shoulder with a megaphone, lost a horn.
I feel lighter.
Although I’m not in any way close to getting rid of him, I feel confident that one day I will be free from his influence.