It has been a while. A month or so, since I have written. What happened, you may ask?
Well, I let life happen TO me.
Made it whip me good. When I was supposed to be the one taking it by the horns and steering it in the direction I have set for myself.
Ugh! How frustrating!
Because I promised myself I would let life happen FOR me.
Sure, sure I have continued to wake up an hour before everyone does. But then instead of using it FOR myself, I use the extra time so that I can anticipate everyone else’s needs and prevent a stressed out me in the process.
Now that I have said that, it isn’t so bad after all. But I would prefer to use my “ahead” time to think about my day and like I promised myself, to be intentional about what results I want to get.
The month has been great, don’t get me wrong.
I have had great many revelations about myself, and I will save that for another post because what struck me during these opportunities of introspection is how I don’t know what I want to do.
I don’t know what I want to be.
I don’t know where I want to go.
I DON’T KNOW.
It was pretty scary to know that about myself.
Scary because it is not who I thought I was.
I do have a vision for myself. I have a feeling of how I want the future to look like for me. But it is not a committed vision. It is not a goal where my baby steps right now are intentionally heading for so it can all come true.
It is not laser focused and certainly something I don’t feel strongly about.
More of, “It will be good if it happens and well, too bad if it doesn’t”.
I DO NOT LIKE IT.
I have been writing the things I am grateful for and the things I want to accomplish the next day before bed time since 4/17/2019. And that has certainly gotten me into the practice of wiring my brain to look at the good things and be intentional about the next day. But because I am an overachiever, I decided this morning, during my ME time, to add in writing my dreams. In the present tense, because of course, you have to believe you already have it to direct your energy better.
Here is how it looked like:
- I am an exceptional partner to Tim
- I am an exceptional mother to Daegan and Damian
- I am making 100K a year
- I am able to regulate my emotions well
- I am working on focusing on being really good at _______________ WOW!
I didn’t know what to say.
I had nothing. And it hit me.
SHOOT! How am I going to be living this intentional life promise when I am CLUELESS? About my own intentions. On my own life.
It was a pretty intimidating thought.
36 and nowhere to go.
If you haven’t noticed yet, I am pretty good at beating myself up.
But I want it so bad.
That was one thing I knew at least.
That as far as I could remember, I didn’t want to be mediocre.
Not that I wanted to be famous.
But I didn’t want a life with no purpose. No direction. No energy.
I wanted and still want to have an EXCEPTIONAL life.
I guess, that is something I can start with.
So on that #5 dream, as much as I hated to write it, to give it life and power, I had to be honest with myself…
5. I am working on focusing on being really good at KNOWING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO.